Don't Touch
by Crazy Cherries
Summary: "Jiraiya! What did I tell you specifically not to do?" "Answer or so help me I will kill you myself. Using Sakura's new fire breathing blow drier. I can assure you it will be completely painful!" Ah, Jiraiya, what have you gotten into this time? JiraTsu


_Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto_

_Inspired by CarlaFox1997, cuz I was reading her request when I got this idea._

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**Don't Touch**

Ah, a perfect day in Konoha. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, people are laughing, Naruto and Sasuke aren't beating each other up, Kakashi isn't reading porn (maybe I'm getting a little into the weird side, but anyway on with the story!) and _crash_ there's apparently glass breaking. So much for that perfect day.

"Jiraiya! What did I tell you specifically **not **to do?" A red faced Tsunade asks the porn writer. She's swaying slightly and you can tell she's drunk. At 8:00. In the morning.

"Um…do I have to answer this question?" Jiraiya asks, hiding behind the chair he had occupied five minutes ago.

"Yes!" Tsunade practically hisses.

"Lady Tsunade!" Shizune rushes into the office. "I heard glass breaking and I knew that perv was in here! So I came right away. Now you!" She turns and points to Jiraiya, "What the hell did you do to her! Answer or so help me I will kill you myself. Using Sakura's new fire breathing blow drier. I can assure you it will be completely painful!" Shizune's breathing heavily and looks like she'll kill him.

Jiraiya makes a whimpering noise and moves slightly closer to Tsunade. He'd rather face her over Shizune any day. The old hag can be bribed with a little sake, and a little bed time fun and all will be well in his world.

"Um…Shizune." Tsunade says, voice slightly slurred. "If anyone's killing him, it's me. Go and do whatever you were doing." The old lady hopes that Shizune doesn't notice that she's slurring and has been drinking sake.

"You've been drinking sake, haven't you!" Shizune looks accusingly at Tsunade.

"Maybe." Tsunade says in a little voice.

"Ugh!" Shizune heads out of the office muttering profanities as she leaves.

"Well I'm glad that's over." He says, getting up from his crouched position at the foot of Tsunade's desk.

"It's not over yet!" Tsunade turns to him, full glare mode on. "Now, you never answered my question." She states in a relatively calm voice (the calm before the storm). "So, what did I **specifically **tell you **not **to do?"

"Touch your boobs when we're not in bed or getting it on somewhere that isn't the bed." Jiraiya looks up with his puppy dog eyes, hoping that Tsunade will just let him have his way with her on the overly crowded desk.

"No." She says, interpreting his look. "You need to learn a lesson. Now out! Out!" She points to the door that leads out of her office.

"Aw, but when can we have fun again?"

"If you're good, then tomorrow night."

A sigh, "Fine." He leaves the office glumly. Tsunade just stands there in shock. She'd expected him to at least, **at least** whine a little bit. But no, he hadn't done even that.

She plops down heavily into her chair and opens the bottle, a little depressed that he hadn't fought for his right. She gulps down the contents of the bottle. This was going to be a long day…and it was.

At 11:00 that night (a very drunk) Tsunade made her way to Jiraiya's apartment, where she proceeded to beat the door up, yelling for Jiraiya to, "Get his lowly ass out here and answer that god-damned door." Jiraiya had to (stumble) out of bed (cuz he's old, he has to go to bed earlier) and run to his door before the neighbors started to kill him or Tsunade.

"Tsunade, what the hell are you doing here?" He half whispered.

She wasn't too keen on being quiet, "You bustard! You friggin left me! You left me!" She was practically screaming now and Jiraiya was getting pretty worried.

"Tsunade come inside, huh? Let's talk about this inside."

"NO! You only want me inside so the neighbors can't hear how horrible you've been to me!" She was crying now.

"I'm sorry, I won't leave you again, just come inside and we'll talk okay?" Using a soothing voice and many promises, he managed to bring Tsunade into his apartment where she sat on his couch and sniffled.

"Now, what's all this talk about me leaving you?" He asked, tilting her head up and wiping the tears running out of her eyes.

"In my office. I wanted you to fight back but you didn't, you just left. You didn't even complain." She jerked away from him. "There's someone else, isn't there? Someone younger and prettier than me?"

"No, no. There's no one." Jiraiya chuckles. "In fact, the only reason I didn't fight back was because I thought that if I didn't you'd change your mind because of my good behavior."

"Really?"

"Really." He leans over and kisses her forehead, right where the diamond-like mark lies. "Hey, look at me." He says, and when she does he gives her a smile, "I love you. Don't you forget it, okay?" She nods.

"I love you too."

"Good." He wipes what remains of the tears away and picks her up, taking her to his bedroom. He sets her down and settles in right next to her. They're only going to sleep here tonight, nothing else.

"Jiraiya?" Comes Tsunade's tentative voice from the darkness.

"Mmm?"

"So there's really no one younger and prettier than me?"

"Of course not, you're the prettiest girl in the world. And you know young girls would beat up an old pervert like me. So I can't really go for those." He half jokes into the darkness, "Old seeks old."

Tsunade whacks him. "Do I look old to you?"

"No." He kisses her neck. "You change your appearance to look young." She whacks him again, using more straight than necessary this time. "Oof." He groans and Tsunade giggles. "But seriously," He says through the pain, "even if you don't change your appearance you'll always look young to me."

"You're a sweet man, Jiraiya. You may be old and a pervert, but you've got kindness rolling with you."

"And baby, you know that's all I need." He rolls on the bed, so that she's under him. To hell with his promise of waiting until tomorrow night. She's drunk, she's here, she's willing, and there's a good chance she won't remember this in the morning.

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"Jiraiya, why the **hell **am I **naked **in your apartment?" He looks at her. Oops, he forgot the clothes. _Damn, so close._

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_Review, my peoples, review._

_If you review enough times something magical will happen. :D_

_(I make no promises. That's Jiraiya's job.)_


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